In today's society, it can be hard to figure out exactly how to ask for consent, especially when it comes to intimate activities you have never done before! A huge portion of consent that is given in our lives is implicit, woven into the social mores and hidden in archaic political constructs. Learning to break out of the social restraints and give explicit consent to your play partner/lover is essential in building strong juicy relationships.
How close can I get to what I want? How do I ask for what I desire? We are so scared of hearing "No" as an answer that we often don't ask for what we want. We are so accustomed to automatically saying “no”, we don’t realize we can also say "Yes!" emphatically or “Hmm maybe, but I want to negotiate”.
Let’s define kink first… if we can!
It seems the word kink doesn’t have a medical or technical definition - in human sexuality, kinkiness is the use of non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. The term derives from the idea of a "bend" (cf. a "kink") in one's sexual behaviour, to contrast such behaviour with "straight" or "vanilla" acts such as loving touch, romantic talk, kissing, vaginal penetration, masturbation, and oral sex.
Kink itself refers to anything that bends away from the “vanilla norm,” although let’s look at a few categories that fall under the Kink Play umbrella:
BDSM: When most people think of kink, they think of BDSM, a four-letter acronym that stands for six different things: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism ☺
Fantasy and roleplaying: One of the most common forms of Kink Play involves creating imagined scenarios. This could be as simple as talking about a fantasy in bed, to as complex as wearing costumes or acting out scenes in front of strangers.
Voyeurism and exhibitionism: Voyeur fantasies involve watching others interact - absorbing the beauty - while exhibitionism enjoys being seen and appreciated - exposing the beauty.
Group sex: Threesomes, sex parties, orgies…group sex is any act that involves more than two people.
Kink Play demonstrates explicit consent, as opposed to implicit consent.
The basis of BDSM and Kinky Lifestyle is agreements and contracts. These contracts are discussed prior to intimate engagement and provide the foundation for connection, exploration and trust in the scene. We lay out the chess board and discuss some of the moves before playing!
When we ask for what we want and we get a “no”, we respond with “thankyou”. It’s hard to receive it, but hearing it and accepting NO is healing. When there is a clear NO it means there can be a clear YES.
When we are curious, we learn to say “Maybe, but not now” or “Can we go slow on that?” My maybe means “I am not saying no”, I just need more time.
Yes No Maybe & Negotiation are key consent skills
Kink teaches us a lot about consent because largely, it is about exploring your own boundaries and expressing your fantasies in detail, whilst always maintaining a safe, sane and consensual space. The more you practice saying "yes" or "no," the better you'll get at asking for what you really want to explore and not doing things just because other people expect it from you.
You will then gain self-authority. If you want to learn how to build more confidence and have self-authority, click here to contact VenusSX for information on coaching programs.
You need a clear "yes" from your partner
If you continue to perform sexual acts without a clear, informed and enthusiastic "yes" from your partner you are committing sexual assault. If you have been a victim of sexual assault or still unsure what consent is please check out this resource here.